When animals attack

In what has to be one of the longest run ups to an ‘I told you so’ moment, a friend of an animal trainer was mauled by the trainer’s pet chimpanzee. Keeping a dangerous animal in your house, no matter how well trained, is stupid. Feeding it prescription medication as well (allegedly dissolved in Travis’ tea) is just stupid.

The fact that it pulled someones face off and then had to be stabbed and have a pistol emptied into it before it died, says something about exactly how dangerous a chimpanzee can be. After all; dogs were domesticated at least 7000 years ago and they still frequently go on rampages. Some times, I just wonder what people are thinking.

From the opposite end of the ‘animal attack’ spectrum, meet Troy Hurtubise, a man who was attacked by a bear and lived. This apparently made him so crazy that he spent the rest of his life working on a bear-proof suit (along with a bunch of spin-offs related to bear-induced craziness). Unfortunately, this project, while amazing/ly crazy, has ruined his marriage and bankrupted him. What the man needs is some bear-suit advertising.

Troy: if you’re listening, take my advise and put on you insanity suit. Then go use it to maul a bear. Once the cops have dragged you off the resultant bleeding corpse (I’m assuming that in your rage you mauled it to death), use the movie rights as an excuse for hollywood to make you and your creation look badass. I know, it violates all of your nature-loving principles (I’m assuming that these are real and not some PR bullshit designed to deflect the heat for making bear-hunting into a bloody spectator sport… again).

But hell, you built a bear-proof suit. The whole ‘let nature be’ thing is already in the past for you. Go on. And remember to ask the CGI boys to ladle extra badass in on post-production, for me.

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